Go faster!

Got a new bike! The kids are really wanting me to take them for a ride. This is the best way ever to get to work. I decided that a cruiser wasn’t really for me. I need to go fast through turns. I hoping to be on the track by this time next year.

I am learning how to forgive. Wish me luck.


Slow progress is better than standing still

Wow, what a crazy few months.

Life just got simple.

Just by accident I wound up throwing the football in the yard with my kids. They loved it. They ate up every minute, every time I told them what  a great catch or great throw. No one was asking for their iPads, tablets, Disney Channel or cell phones.

Who knew? They just wanted to hang out with their dad.

I’ve been running so hard for so long, even in sobriety. Maybe even more in sobriety. I stopped just long enough for my girls to catch up with me.

Lots of missed days of throwing football in the last ten years. Why? Hurt and pain too hard to face. Who wants to admit it is there? That what you wanted most in the world was replaced by what you wanted least.

It turns out that my parents were wrong. I am not fat, I am not stupid, I am not a loser and no dad I don’t need you to give me something to cry about. You already have.

Less Angry Sober Dude

My daughter says to me, “dad can you not yell at the dog, it scares me”.

Fuck, really?

Yep swore up and down I wouldn’t do that to my kids. There is some progress though, I would have never thought to voice that in my house growing up. Oh hell no.


So underneath all the pain, all the rage and all the drama is just a person (me) who is afraid of people. Afraid of people hurting him like they have so many times before. Afraid of the world, of the scary things in the world, of the unexpected things in the world like losing my twin sons two months before they were to be born.


God, has it really been 24 years since I got sober? Sometimes I feel like I should be so much more “grown up”, more well-adjusted emotionally just because I have been sober for so long. I’ve made some great strides in my sobriety and my family loves me, we laugh at dinner and my kids and wife give me random hugs. Could I ask for more?


My truth is that I am vulnerable and I have shut so many people out of my life for one reason: I don’t want you to hurt me.


Its a little windy here today. I guess I should check the weather channel and see what’s going on.



Can anyone relate?

So my life in sobriety has taken me to a place of few to no crutches. This has left me emotionally raw.

I’m in therapy. I can’t do this by myself.

In stepping away from all the bad habits and addictions in my life I feel like I’m in a state of mind where I can finally see what has been gnawing away at me for all these years. All these sober years. I am angry when the people I care about reject me, make fun of me, ignore me, don’t value me and hate me. I hate it when anyone does that to me but it is such a deep hurt that only Rage will cover it. With Rage I am all powerful and I don’t need anyone. The problem with that is your dog cowers in the corner, your kids can’t figure out your Jeckle and Hyde, and your wife is just tired of it.

And the worse part is that it is  just like drinking, I am powerless over my rage. I say never again and then someone tailgates me and its starts all over again.

So like I said I am in therapy, my wife and I started going to meetings together again and I’ve been praying and staying closer to God more than ever before.


I really don’t want to admit that I’m afraid that you will not like me or worse…..you will leave me. It just that simple. I hate this shit.

Emotional Sobriety

In addition to going to AA meetings I have started working the ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) program.

Brutal. The program is not brutal but the truth of my life is.

It is time and I believe strongly my Higher Power has guided me to this place. This place of recovery, this stumbling block in my life.

Wish me luck.

And I got one of these ……..

Ahhh, that’s better.


So I have had about four days off since February. I’ve been away from home for over a month and I’m burned out.

I’ve added an ACoA meeting to my schedule of AA meetings. It is helping.


The bike! Yeah, how can I be a heavy metal guy without a bike? Craigslist is flooded with bikes right now and I had all that overtime burning a hole in my pocket. I love my bike. A 2005 Yamaha V-Star 650 Classic with 2600 miles on it. It was a one owner bike who hardly ever rode it and kept it in a garage. My motorcycle license test is next week.

I should have bought one of these ten years ago.