Archive for October, 2008

Destiny

Destiny was our neighbor. She was nine years old. Her dad had a restraining order, her brother was taken away in an ambulance and her mom left with her new boyfriend. She found out when her grandparents came to pick her up from school. I pray for her from time to time.

No matter how hard my life gets I don’t ever want to do that to my kids. I am not a perfect parent but they make me want to be.

Peace be with you

I remember as kid hating to have to shake hands during the mass when it was time to share “peace” with our neighbors. I always felt awkward and shy. Now I have a hundred things running through my head. I’m convinced that the people around me don’t want to shake my hands because my family wore jeans to church or we don’t sing during mass or they don’t see us at other church functions or …. you get the idea.

It sucks when I feel the same way at meetings. I’m sure people stay away from me because I have 19 years sober and I’m crazy, not “really” sober, not working the right program… again you get the idea.

I know I’m messed up but I show up anyway. It would be nice if these feelings would subside. It has been 19 years of going to meetings. That’ll teach me for getting sober at twenty.

Peace be with you.

My wife is the poet, I just write shit down.

Its hard to swallow mashed potatoes after the screaming starts

and its easy to forget you have homework when mom is laying at the bottom of stairs crying

…oh, and to answer your question I don’t know who the hell I think I am, I’m only ten

answer you?! hmmm lets see what answer will not get me killed, is mom ok? why did you shove her down the stairs?

i wish Robin had just checked the NO box instead of laughing at me in front of all her friends, damn fourth grade girls!

God first

Anything you put before your sobriety you will lose.

I heard that in a meeting and it just stuck. I think I would take it a step further and say anything I put before my relationship with my Higher Power I will lose.

At about the age of twelve I put up the barrier between my heart and people in the world because I couldn’t handle it getting stomped on anymore. Now I feel like I’m watching the world from inside my own glass prison. I’m paranoid and no one is safe.

happysoberdude

I think I am done with the whole “angry” thing.

I took my anger out on my family all weekend and I feel like shit. I’ve been avoiding them and everyone in my life for about the last six or seven years. Avoiding people is one thing, being mean to them is another. It is not something I am willing to live with.

Here comes the pain.

Panic!!!!

Ahhhh, all my money is gone. I’m losing everything, my house, my car, my job! (not really) World markets are collapsing. How could this get any worse?

 

I could take a drink.

 

How could something good come of something so bad, like what we are seeing in the financial markets? The last major stock market crash helped bring Bill W. to his bottom.

Now we have AA.

The Truth

The truth is I don’t want to let anyone in.

I’ve been hurt enough times that I just decided to not let people in. Oh, sure I will go to meetings and talk to people and start to make some friends and then WHAMMO! someone has taken my inventory and judged me. Then I see the horrendous things some people with a lot of time will do. I dropped my last sponsor when berated the ENTIRE group when they asked him not to single a guy out and humiliate him during the meeting. Did we really need to tell him that?

I have no choice though. I can’t live in a vaccum. The pain of isolation is way more painful than the pain of relationships that fail.

I am not perfect nor will I ever be. Please understand that just because I have been sober for 19 years doesn’t mean I am supposed to be some sort of spiritual guru. I am sober because God keeps me sober. I keep going to meetings because they are the answer to my drinking problem and my people problem.

The truth is I survived a violent, frightening and unpredictable childhood. One that my children will never have to experience.