Archive for June, 2008

Not looking good

The people at work are just dragging me down. They all talk about each other behind each others backs. We have one or two nice people and the rest are prima-dona back stabbers. I watched first hand them make fun of people with physical disabilities. You might expect more from a group of college graduates with degrees in engineering, math and physics, but no.

It just seems to me that there are a lot less nice people than there are assholes.

Self esteem and self worth

I have never thought very much of myself. I always secretly hoped that I was someone special but never really felt it. From early on I never thought I was smart, attractive or talented. Even after nineteen years of sobriety it takes some convincing that I am not as bad as I think.

First of all my degree is in Physics from Rutgers. Last I checked they were not handing those out to fucktards. Next my wife is a very beautiful and intelligent woman. She didn’t have to say yes. And finally I am an accomplished musician.

Even with all the evidence around me I still sometimes do not think very much of myself. I have to force myself to look at the good things about me.

Why?

I am tired of letting my childhood ruin my relationships with others and myself today.

 

Wrong assumptions about parents

I’ve been sober going on twenty years, have read dozens of self help books, rejoined my church and have come to the realization that we make an incorrect assumption about parents. We assume parents are supposed to love their children. Wrong.

Most the time you are lucky if your parents don’t stick you in the fucking microwave oven or dump your ass in the lake with the family car. I certainly don’t fault God for any of this. Freewill is the ultimate gift.

I see people everyday who carry the pain of knowing not only did their parents not love them but that according to their parents that they are shit and worthless. Look at all the overweight people, the depressed people, the drug addicts and alcoholics.

Look at the people and the institutions who continue to reinforce what their parents subjected them to. Take your pick but let start with the churches and the fundees followed by the public schools and whatever low paying careers or jobs they have settled for.

I finally see. I put the pain killers down long enough to hear the Holy Spirit. We are not servants but family. We are good enough and we dont have to prove ourselves.