Archive for April, 2009


So we had a split rail fence installed in the yard about a month ago because we are setting up a pool in the yard again this year. Last year my wife was always nervous that the neighbor kid would come down and fall in and drown. Its also a law in Pennsylvania that you must have a fence if you have a pool deeper then 3 feet. We also wanted a fence because our side yard opens directly to the street. It just made us more comfortable when the kids are in the yard that they are not running right out into the street.

The other thing I thought I would like about the fence is that it would keep other people out. Funny thing. Since the fence went up neighbors around us stop by more often. I guess it ain’t so bad. Most of them are pretty nice. However since the fence is up I started building a garden for my wife. Its pretty cool. Its a raised bed garden with eight 4’x 8′ raised beds. I’m almost done filling them with topsoil and then I will finish the interior fence and gate. My wife so far loves it. Its my gift to her for our 14th anniversary.



There was a woman I knew in the program who had a few years of sobriety and then went back out. She had some medical difficulties she was dealing with while sober that gave her quite a bit of pain. She always seemed kind of out there. For awhile I would see her regularly at meetings and she just seemed more alive, more alert, more “there”. She was also in more physical pain.

I moved to a different part of town and started to go to different meetings. I did not see her for quite some time. When I ran into her about five years later at a meeting she barely remembered me and was really spaced out. She said she went back out and wasn’t sure about coming back in. Then she alluded to being on the prowl and guys should look out.

Anyway the woman I knew was gone. Here was an empty shell of a woman who was probably drunk or high at the time. It hurt. It hurt because I considered her a friend.

How can I tell everyone I meet in AA to just hang in there? I don’t know the physical level of her pain but I have had my own painful moments and periods in my sobriety. Every time I make it through another painful event or time I feel more “there”. More here. More alive.

I don’t want to go back to being a zombie.

How did I get here?

I started drinking at the age of twelve. It was always to get drunk.

It just dawned on me tonight when my five year old said, “Dad, this is great beer. I mean root beer” that my first buzz was at the age of twelve. My mom gave me two glasses of blackberry brandy because, as I was later told, that I had been a pain in the ass all day. This was her way of chilling me out.

I remember how great it felt. I remember thinking after my  parents go to sleep I could easily sneek into the liquor cabinet and get some more.

The rest of the kids in the neighborhood were out playing ball and tag. I was busy tying one on. I’ve never been one to join in with the crowd.

Slowly these days I am trying to join in and have some fun with people and not isolate so much. Its easy to do with work and kids. Bowling was a lot of fun this season and now I am starting golf. I have not been to a course yet but I have been to the driving range. Its hard to hit that little #$%@& ball.

Still I love to think of myself as unique. I am pretty sure I am the only one on the range who is a total metal head but you never know.

Happy Easter

Ok, so it is midnight and I’m back online. Technically lent was over at 7:30 pm when mass started. I think. Ahhhh I suck as a Catholic. I’m trying. I think that is as much as God wants from me.

Anyway Happy Easter and I will post some “angry” stuff soon. Well, alright I will give you one now: I totally jacked up my hand trying to figure out how to hit a golf ball. GRRRR!