Archive for March, 2011

Who am I?

Who are we without our addictions and character defects?

Since I stopped eating sugar and white flower I realize how often I went to the fridge even though I wasn’t hungry but wanted something sweet.

There have been many times too that I put more spending on the card just because I thought what I was buying was what I really needed to make my life finally ok.

Places on the internet that I shouldn’t be at. We’ll just leave it at that.

Any distraction that gets me high, to kill the pain.

Exploding in rage at whatever perceived injustice I happen to stumble upon.

Who am I without those things in my life? I feel like they are slipping away, no longer providing the relief they once did.  Same as my bottom with alcohol.

Lately I’ve been taking the time to stop and talk to people. Let them tell me about their day, their kids, their dogs. Who knew how simple and wonderful that could be?

Paranoid Sober Dude

This sux.

Being paranoid is no fun. It is all consuming. It will not leave me be.

No joke, this sux.

Cool stuff from back then

  1. Rush 2112: back before it was cool to like Rush
  2. Pop Rocks and Zots
  3. What’s Happening: No Roger, No Rerun, No rent. Hey, Hey, Hey
  4. Fantasy Island and That’s Incredible (should have been called Stop Doing That)
  5. Dittos – sniffing dittos should have been my first clue
  6. No one had a computer. Not even the geeks. Yes this is cool.
  7. Steve Austin- c’mon, he was a man who was barely alive?!?
  8. I know this list tv show heavy but The Waltons
  9. Thinking Big Foot was real.
  10. Waiting for your favorite song to come on the radio so you could record it and hoping the DJ would not talk over the intro.

    Hitting Bottom

    It is all starting to come back to me now. I am remembering hitting bottom 22 years ago.

    Isolated.

    That’s where I was. Isolated. I and my drinking finally drove away the last of my friends. I stayed in my dorm room. Drinking was no longer fun. Anyone who meant anything to me were gone and did not ever want to see me again. Pain. Alcohol would not kill the pain anymore.

    I’ll never forget walking up to the door of my first AA meeting. An old brick church and one guy standing out front greeting. He knew. He could see it was my first meeting. He stayed with me the whole meeting and gave me a Big Book and a meeting guide.

    Now I remember where I am supposed to be.

    …..and the truth comes out.

    So, pretty much after my very good friend in AA moved to another state I stopped going to meetings regularly. This was about nine years ago.

    I haven’t connected with anyone in or out of the rooms since then. It wasn’t a conscious decision to stop going regularly. Looking back now I can see all the failed attempts at friendship. The last straw was when I put myself out again (about 4 years ago) and got a sponsor. I started hanging around him and his bunch until the TIRADE he went on at business meeting. Screaming at a newcomer. WTF?!? What a (by popular demand) douchebag.

    Still, my response of never calling him or going to the same meetings as him probably wasn’t the best idea. I just figured it was better than kicking his ass. I did want to too. So I walked away.

    I don’t do well when I lose people that mean something to me. I guess I’m starting to see a pattern here. I isolate after I get hurt or disappointed. I miss my friend. A lot.

    Pick myself up, brush myself off and back to another meeting. I’m attending two meetings regularly now. People recognize me when I walk in the door which is a good thing. I even hung out after the meeting and talked to a few people.

    Still, I have got to say that life without sugar is really weird. I’m no longer falling asleep after lunch, even broccoli tastes amazing and that Subaru commercial with the little girl waiting for her dad to give her the keys while she is sitting behind the wheel definitely brings a tear to the eye (that’s the sugar, I swear).

    20 Years Ago

    Twenty years ago, this month, I took my wife out on our first date. We were both just a little past two years sober. This weekend we went back to the restaurant on our old college campus and had a nice lunch. We drove by the sober dorms where we both lived and recalled some people we have not seen in a long time. Some are still sober, some are no longer with us.

    What a pivotal point in my life.

    I stopped eating sugar four days ago. I’ve tried it before. The last time I felt like I was in a different universe. Now I know more of what to expect. Full on feelings. I’m scared. My rage frightens me. I think it’s a process though. Before I knew I would get rageful but now I see it’s who I am.  It’s who I was twenty years ago. FUCK! I used to think I had it all together all the years I was staying sober. Big deal. I wasn’t me keeping me sober. I’m good at figuring things out. All I did was figure out that by going to meetings, working the steps, having a sponsor and praying on a daily basis would keep me sober. It did.

    But I never changed. Well maybe a little but not where it really mattered.

    My relationships suck. They suck because of me, a selfish, self centered, angry douchebag who is unwilling to A) give his time and attention to anyone and B) look at the fact that I want and need people in my life but not willing to do what it takes to make that happen.

    I want this to be my next pivotal moment in my life. I want this to be the point where I stopped figuring out other ways of drowning my feelings and actively participate in my own life and with others.

    Not eating sugar is fucking hard. Who would have ever thought that?

    Putting myself out there

    I gotta say I really appreciate the support you all have given me. I’ve been a lot more motivated to share my life with others. Even at work I have taken more time to actually listen to what people are saying when talking to me. I’m surprised that more people have been actually hanging around to talk to me. Just walking into the meeting last night with the mindset that I would willing to talk to people made a huge difference. I guess I don’t have much of a poker face. When I am grumpy it shows. Good stuff.