I am ready to change jobs now.

I read in a career article that if you are working to the limits of your (mental) capability and are just barely getting by that perhaps you are in the wrong career. That is my current situation. I can’t do it anymore.

This idea has come to me since I’ve stopped running from and trying to kill every bad feeling I have. I’ve started to question more areas of my life that no longer make sense.

Vacation in two weeks, camping with the family and dogs along the river. I can’t wait.


Why I blog

I started this blog so that I could track my emotional status as time goes by. I’ve been fortunate to have found some excellent people along the way who have come to my blog and have been very supportive.

I cycle. I know I have some type of depression and was diagnosed over 20 years ago. I’ve been able to put aside many of the unhealthy ways of self medicating but have not continued to use the healthy ones. Its like I forget that I am dealing with depression.

Severe consequences emotionally for not taking care of myself. If you ever been depressed and come out of an episode you know what I mean.  When you find yourself in great pain and there are no solutions that look good, healthy or otherwise it is a dismal place to be.

So I blog to remind myself to take care of myself because alcoholism isn’t the only thing I dealing with.

In the studio

So things move slow when you are only in the studio two hours a week. Things are progressing and the first song is close to finished.

Its good to be back.

And another one

And we lose another one.

It just sucks. This disease is a killer. IT destroys families and runs people into the ground.

I feel so fortunate that AA was there for me when I was ready to quit drinking. But for the grace God there go I.

Wet Blanket

Are they even called albums anymore?

So today was the first day of recording down at M. Moogis Studio. So far so good. Expectations and enthusiasm are both high. Brutal riffs and grooves done old school with just enough new metal influence to keep it relevant.

Why did I ever try to do anything else? I feel like someone took the wet blanket off my life. 

It has been 22 years since I was last in the studio with my own material. Why did I wait so long? I am a song writer and a performer. Nothing in life feels so right as when I am doing those two things.

I am not an engineer. Never was, never will be. It generates an income and provides some mental challenge.

To thine own self be true. I am a song writer and performer.

Putt’n the band back together (on a mission from Gad)


To thine own self be true.

Why is that so hard?

I feel like the person I really am is not happy with the person I’ve become.

It is time to finish the album. Yes, I’ve started recording.

Four and a half years

That’s how long its been since I moved back east. I have not made one friend in AA. I have not made one friend period.

It doesn’t help that I work about 400 hours a year in overtime and my schedule constantly changes. That is no excuse though.

It just seemed easier to make friends before I had all this time in the program.

I feel like my life in the last 4 1/2 years has just been consumed by my job. I do want to connect in AA but I feel so outside of it. I’m not sure how to get back in.