Life is different when I am not at work all the time. I didn’t ask for all these hours.
I took this job because I wanted to move closer to my family (yes, I know my friends warned me). Who knew that work would want to put me in charge. My whole life I’ve felt like a failure, unintelligent and untalented. Somehow this job brought out all the best in me. Even my harshest critics are now big supporters.
Back to my life.
I’ve been through a lot in sobriety. This last three years has been the hardest. My wife who has twenty years sober as well admitted to me the other day she was at one point concerned that I might go out and drink. It never occurred to me. But it was hard. Things are better now the same way things are better after having a valve replaced in your heart. Your heart feels better but having your chest split open takes a while to recover from. And so it is with my self imposed isolation.
I am the angry sober dude. I am angry at everyone and everything. But not so much anymore. I can’t stand feeling so far away from all the people I love, my wife, my children and friends I have driven away. There are a lot of people I miss.
So today was another success. I stopped in mid sentence yelling at my daughter for some minor infraction to give her a hug and swing her around the living room. I bit my tongue and put up the curtains for my wife instead of complaining about not messing with my day off. I went off to jam with a drummer having no expectations of the event, only being open to the possibilities it may bring.
I am critical, I am harsh and quick to anger and I love my family fiercely. It is still clear to me today, that day almost thirty years ago when I decided that I needed no one. Life at home was violent and scary, I was so angry I hurt one of my friends and everyone was mad at me for it. They refused to be my friend anymore. It was then I decided I would not need anyone anymore. So here I am recovering from the choice of a ten year old boy who had his heart stomped.
It is the last hold out of my sobriety. Today I made a new friend.