Archive for August, 2009

Survey says! ————->

We are thinking of getting two kittens and a puppy. Anyone want to talk me out (or in) of it?



So I am up to my eyeballs in a crazy work schedule just trying to hang in there and I get the call from my wife.

Our cat is dying. She is at the vet with both kids and everyone is crying. Today was her last day.

Fifteen years ago I picked her up from the animal shelter in Bloomingdale New Jersey. She moved everywhere with us, Colorado, California, Colorado again and finally back here to the east coast. She lived a good life and drove me crazy but I will still miss her.

Goodbye Patterson.


What is it about thinking that requires so much effort? It’s not like you have to lift anything.

Come up with a thesis and write a twenty page paper to prove or support it. How about a whole book to  support it? That would require a lot of thinking.

The next few weeks at work are requiring me to do a lot of  thinking/math/organization. I can feel the drain on me physically as well as mentally. I can solve the Rubix cube, but all I did was memorize the instructions from off the web. I consider that cheating. Almost anyone can follow a procedure.

What if I had to solve the cube myself. No instructions? I’m not sure I could do it. I’m not sure I want to do it. The level of effort and thinking would be highly unpleasant. Why is that?

I don’t think it was unpleasant for Einstein or Newton to think about physics and the laws of the universe. It did require effort on their part.

I’m sure I could figure out the answer to this but I really don’t want to think about it.

Jacob’s Ladder

Have you seen it? The demons were actually friends letting Jacob know it was time to let go.

I have some “friends”, pain, fear, uncertainty, doubt, depression and hopelessness. I choose to keep going. I choose to keep growing. I know that I can only run from something I’m afraid of for so long. If I don’t drink (and I haven’t) I will have to face it sooner or later.

My father and his wife are withering away physically. Every time we visit them they get worse. It is hard on me emotionally to see them. I am happy though that I can bring my wife and kids to visit with them for a few hours and give them some joy.

None of this would be possible if I was still drinking.

I have to face the pain today that as fucked up as my Dad was growing up that I love him and it breaks my heart to see him falling apart.