… and what a strange place to be when you figure out who you really are. When you finally realize not only do you not need anyone else but rather you shouldn’t need anyone else.


A whole life of not being who I am

To thine own self be true.

I am not me.



So last July I consciously decided to stop running from all my emotions. The first hurdle was dealing with secondary addictions. The next was trying to come to grips with feeling.

My life has become infinitely different.

My marriage has improved, my relationship with my children has grown and I am surprised to find who I seem to be when I am not running.

I am still scattered and don’t write long or coherent posts. However I needed a place to say that I saw¬† Engineer O’Brien (Colm Meany) at LAX! How cool is that?

Paper disproves Spock.


Addiction and Recovery

Here is a link about the transfer of addiction that seems to make a lot of sense to me.


It took me a very long time to realize that while being abstinent (sober) from alcohol for over 20 years my addiction had “moved” into other areas. I was very unwilling to look at that.

I am looking at it. Now. It is not pleasant. Its ok though. Getting better slowly.

4th Step Deluxe

So my first fourth step was over 21 years ago. I was just a kid. I did the best that I could and was honest as I could possibly be with my sponsor and God.

I’m doing another one.

Looking back it is pretty clear that the obsession to drink was lifted not too long after doing the fifth step with my sponsor. It is clear to me now that I have more character defects that I want my Higher Power to remove. I’ve been struggling to remove some of them myself and it occurred to me that I couldn’t white knuckle through giving up alcohol. I’m not going to be able to white knuckle through my character defects either.

For as smart as I think I am I have a hard time following basic instructions.

I forget

Went to a really good speaker meeting. It was a typical alcoholic story. What kind of shook me awake at the end of the story was this person has about four months of sobriety. I forget how close a lot of people are to their last drink in the program. How close they are to their old way of life. I can see in their faces and hear in their sharing the miracle of their new life in sobriety.

Not that this has all become old hat, its just… I believe more and more that sobriety is a miracle.


Also I realized that after a major loss in my life about 12 years ago I pretty much walked away from everyone.

Math – its not what you think