I did not realize the impact stress is having on me. It is driving my paranoia.

– money: living paycheck to paycheck for the last 20 years is killing me

– to thine own self be true: avoiding two areas of my life that provide much fulfillment, friends and music, is making me miserable

– smarts: this battle with myself to measure up, to be as smart as them in order to belong

That is why I need to take care of these issues. I’m done with being crazy. Stop the (crazy) bus I want to get off.

  1. Why did you stop the music?

  2. sometimes life gets out of focus…out of balance, good news…. all it takes is a few steps to catch the balance and the rhythm again… 🙂

    I’m prayin for ya! (that still sounds awfully churchy when I say it, but it’s the truth)

    • angrysoberdude
    • April 19th, 2011

    I always appreciate when I know someone is praying for me.

    As far as giving up music goes, its complicated. Since the age of eight or so I just fell in love with playing guitar. I loved everything about it. Then I realized I liked making up songs and playing in front of an audience. Still to this day just before the lights come on and the band starts their first song I am stoked! What an incredible feeling and having been up on the stage its even more intense when you are actually in the band.

    I started drinking around 12 years old, getting drunk right off the bat. Just trying to hide from the choas, uncertainty and violence of my childhood. My mother drilled into my head that I must go to college and be successful at a normal job. Any mention of music college or a band was met with a heavy guilt trip.

    So I sold myself out. The songs I wrote were ok but they felt extremely important to me. Now even more so. They are my anger over my childhood and my love of music both. Then it got more complicated when I had decided that if I wasn’t an amazing virtuoso that it wasn’t good enough. So then it became about how fast a guitar player I was.

    I couldn’t get my songs out of me. Frustration.

    Grace happens. By accident I found myself playing bass in a metal band with connections. It was in an old theater in NM playing in front of 500 Native American teenagers that I realized that I had been right all along. I loved doing this! Fish in water.

    But by then I am old (37 is old in metal). Now I’m 42 and still feel the same way I do about music as I did when I was 12.

    So I give up. Work, family, pets, mowing the yard, etc. You name it. Busy.

    But I can’t give up, I get really depressed when I give up music. So I am getting active in the music scene here. Im writing again and jamming again and may even have a possible band in the works. The yard looks like shit but who cares.

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