20 Years Ago

Twenty years ago, this month, I took my wife out on our first date. We were both just a little past two years sober. This weekend we went back to the restaurant on our old college campus and had a nice lunch. We drove by the sober dorms where we both lived and recalled some people we have not seen in a long time. Some are still sober, some are no longer with us.

What a pivotal point in my life.

I stopped eating sugar four days ago. I’ve tried it before. The last time I felt like I was in a different universe. Now I know more of what to expect. Full on feelings. I’m scared. My rage frightens me. I think it’s a process though. Before I knew I would get rageful but now I see it’s who I am.  It’s who I was twenty years ago. FUCK! I used to think I had it all together all the years I was staying sober. Big deal. I wasn’t me keeping me sober. I’m good at figuring things out. All I did was figure out that by going to meetings, working the steps, having a sponsor and praying on a daily basis would keep me sober. It did.

But I never changed. Well maybe a little but not where it really mattered.

My relationships suck. They suck because of me, a selfish, self centered, angry douchebag who is unwilling to A) give his time and attention to anyone and B) look at the fact that I want and need people in my life but not willing to do what it takes to make that happen.

I want this to be my next pivotal moment in my life. I want this to be the point where I stopped figuring out other ways of drowning my feelings and actively participate in my own life and with others.

Not eating sugar is fucking hard. Who would have ever thought that?

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  1. ASD, I know this is a serious post, and believe me, I treat it as such. But I laugh whenever anyone uses ‘douchebag’ in a sentence. Anyway, just needed to put that out there.

    I love the fact that you are taking the action to make changes in your life. It’s admirable and it’s healthy.

    Hang in there.

  2. This feeling is shared by so many of us. Our sober posse (the friends I hang with in my sponsorship group) was just talking about this kind of stuff last night.

    And I love that you use the word douchebag, my friend simon uses it and he’s one of the more stubborn angry guys I know, can’t get himself to submit to anything, but he’s also one of the most beloved friends in my life! He can be counted on, even if he can’t get all the emotions right.

    I can’t possibly think of giving up sugar yet (though deep down I know it’s something I should do) that’s HARD especially if you go the refined sugar/carb route. Like alcohol the adjustment takes a few weeks as your system adjusts to the harsh withdrawl! My thoughts and prayers are with ya dude!

    • angrysoberdude
    • March 19th, 2011

    Day 10 ? with no sugar. The cravings are subsiding and I’m finding that I am not nearly as angry and irritated as I had been. I also notice that I’m hardly ever hungry anymore. I used to be hungry and sleepy all day long. No sugar, white flour, etc. is really starting to grow on me.

    Going to meetings again isn’t hurting either.

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