Mental and Emotional Disorders

There are those too who suffer from mental and emotional disorders…

I used to think about that line when it was read at the beginning of the meeting. I thought I’m glad I’m just an alcoholic. Now I am not so sure.

I think I may have some mental and/or emotional disorders.

I grew up in a violent and scary home. I once took a beating where I thought my father was going to kill me. I once watched him throw my mother down a flight of stairs.

I don’t trust people, especially in AA. At least not anymore. I did when I first got sober but now over twenty years later I have taken a step back. In general I don’t trust anyone and I finally think it has something to do with the way I think about the world in general.

It is the almost complete isolation and constant paranoia that has me considering maybe there is something wrong with me and not so much with the world.

I just feel like one of those beaten dogs you find at the shelter. No matter how much you work with them they will never be “right”.

I will always flinch when a hand is raised.

  1. This is fascinating. I just figured someone who called a blog angry sober dude might realize the grave emotional and mental stuff is all part of the package.

    Sometimes its difficult to know that I can’t take pride in the emotions that used to keep me safe from people but now just seperate me from love and acceptance.

    I wouldn’t say all people in AA are trustworthy, but I know a few real gems. And they are the ones who are transparent and honest about themselves, even their flaws at 16, 20, even 36 years.

      • angrysoberdude
      • March 7th, 2011

      Yeah Jess, that’s exactly it. The emotional barrier that I put up to keep me safe is now keeping me from getting close to anyone. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I really needed that.

  2. You recognizing the issue is key. I would think that anyone who grew up in an environment such as yours would carry scars into adulthood. There are lots of people out there qualified to help you; are you willing to find help? You are worthy of it.

    • angrysoberdude
    • March 8th, 2011

    Thank you Kristin. You guys here online have given me the inroads I needed to get back to meetings regularly and start sharing again.

  3. Wow. In a weird way, I totally get this. Therapy will help, have you tried it yet? I mean outside of AA tables?

  4. Don’t disappear, ASD. I want to know that you are still around and are alright.

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