Focus

So I have been in bed sick since last Wednesday. I am usually over this stuff by now. It has given me some time to do some thinking. First it started out with worrying and has slowly gravitated to thinking and then even more slowly to prayer. I have slowly moved God out as my daily focus and have decided to focus on my life’s problems instead. Of course the instant repercussion of this is fear. Not a good place to be.

I took a new job almost three years ago because I wanted to be closer to my family (brother and ailing father). I also wanted out of the beautiful state I was living in because I no longer trusted anyone. Not anyone in AA, work or worse yet, friends. I believed my best friend of a different brand of Christianity had ruled me out as doomed because I started going to a Catholic church. I felt that the only safe people left could only be my family. Of course this was a mistake as they have all their own crisis and have little emotional support left for anyone but themselves.

I don’t trust anyone anymore. I got a sponsor and a sponsee when I arrived in my new state only to have one fire me and me fire the other.

The  job is not helping. Or is it. My boss thinks I walk on water and has given me two extremely glowing reviews backed up by lots of cash to go with it. He wants to put me in charge of the group starting in the new year. Me. A manager. Two of the more experienced engineers I work with are openly hostile with me. Have been the whole time I’ve been there. They tell me point blank that I don’t belong there and want me gone. Nice, huh? It would be easier if my boss agreed with them.

I am trying to find my way back into meetings regularly and it’s not really working. There are no more geographical fixes left for me. I know they don’t work.

Once again I find myself in the position of having to rely on and trust in God. I am ready to do things His way only because my way still doesn’t work.

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  1. I have this feeling that you are right on the brink of a really large realization. I have no idea what it is. I just feel it, you know? Just keep praying, man. God works under all conditions. You know that.

    • angrysoberdude
    • November 9th, 2009

    Thanks Kristin. I too feel that I am finally close to being ok just being me.

  2. I can tell you are frustrated. And boy do I understand that. And every time I get that disgusted with the world, God does seem to come through for me. But I bet you know that.

    • angrysoberdude
    • November 10th, 2009

    Thanks Sarah. Yeah, I know things but it means a lot to me when people remind me. There is a lot I don’t know. I guess being sick has brought some unresolved emotions to the surface.

  3. You are a living example of the God idea working and surpassing our best thinking… plus you’ve been meeting with some alkies for a while right here in the wonderful world of blog.

    A wonderful friend quoted pg 60 “no one among us has been able to maintain anything like…” and yet, somehow, by the grace of God, we continue to suit up and show up.

    I can feel the tension in your words, but I feel divine tension, the kind that brings amazing rhythms into play.

    Can’t wait to see what He does with you next!

    • angrysoberdude
    • November 10th, 2009

    Thanks Jessie. I feel lucky God lets me rant and rave at him.
    Joe

  4. As an incest survivor, trust has always been an issue of mine. I have written a few blog articles about it recently when I asked someone to be my Al-Anon sponsor. Having a sponsor is really important to our recovery. I know that and it means facing my own trust issues again.

    What I have learned is that when my trust issues are in my face, it is me that I don’t trust. Just like with love (I can’t really love another until I love myself first.), I can’t trust anyone else until I learn to trust myself. The world and the people in it are always a mirror of some part of me. That includes the things that I like/love about myself as well as the things that I don’t like/love about myself. Have a glorious day.

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