The Truth

The truth is I don’t want to let anyone in.

I’ve been hurt enough times that I just decided to not let people in. Oh, sure I will go to meetings and talk to people and start to make some friends and then WHAMMO! someone has taken my inventory and judged me. Then I see the horrendous things some people with a lot of time will do. I dropped my last sponsor when berated the ENTIRE group when they asked him not to single a guy out and humiliate him during the meeting. Did we really need to tell him that?

I have no choice though. I can’t live in a vaccum. The pain of isolation is way more painful than the pain of relationships that fail.

I am not perfect nor will I ever be. Please understand that just because I have been sober for 19 years doesn’t mean I am supposed to be some sort of spiritual guru. I am sober because God keeps me sober. I keep going to meetings because they are the answer to my drinking problem and my people problem.

The truth is I survived a violent, frightening and unpredictable childhood. One that my children will never have to experience.

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  1. My first sponsor shared my emails with my ex-boyfriend for months before I found out. My currend sponsor won’t have anything to do with me unless I do exactly what she tells me to do. Period. No deviation. Time in service to the program is more important than time spent with my daughter, her homework, etc. I didn’t agree so she fired me. I don’t trust a single person in this program. I go to stay sober, try to help when I can. I think it will get better. Right?

    • angrysoberdude
    • October 7th, 2008

    It does get better.
    There are some “safe” people in recovery, they just take time to find. My first sponsor told me, “what keeps me sober may get you drunk”. He has over thirty years now.

    Insight without love is a terrible thing to inflict upon someone.

  2. … or, as they say, People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care….

  3. self-protection mechanisms that go all f*&$ed up… i understand that only too well.

  4. I can relate to this whole post.

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