Here is a link about the transfer of addiction that seems to make a lot of sense to me.
http://www.radiantrecovery.com/resourcecenter/addictionamoeba.htm
It took me a very long time to realize that while being abstinent (sober) from alcohol for over 20 years my addiction had “moved” into other areas. I was very unwilling to look at that.
I am looking at it. Now. It is not pleasant. Its ok though. Getting better slowly.
So my first fourth step was over 21 years ago. I was just a kid. I did the best that I could and was honest as I could possibly be with my sponsor and God.
I’m doing another one.
Looking back it is pretty clear that the obsession to drink was lifted not too long after doing the fifth step with my sponsor. It is clear to me now that I have more character defects that I want my Higher Power to remove. I’ve been struggling to remove some of them myself and it occurred to me that I couldn’t white knuckle through giving up alcohol. I’m not going to be able to white knuckle through my character defects either.
For as smart as I think I am I have a hard time following basic instructions.
Went to a really good speaker meeting. It was a typical alcoholic story. What kind of shook me awake at the end of the story was this person has about four months of sobriety. I forget how close a lot of people are to their last drink in the program. How close they are to their old way of life. I can see in their faces and hear in their sharing the miracle of their new life in sobriety.
Not that this has all become old hat, its just… I believe more and more that sobriety is a miracle.
Also I realized that after a major loss in my life about 12 years ago I pretty much walked away from everyone.
I am ready to change jobs now.
I read in a career article that if you are working to the limits of your (mental) capability and are just barely getting by that perhaps you are in the wrong career. That is my current situation. I can’t do it anymore.
This idea has come to me since I’ve stopped running from and trying to kill every bad feeling I have. I’ve started to question more areas of my life that no longer make sense.
Vacation in two weeks, camping with the family and dogs along the river. I can’t wait.
I started this blog so that I could track my emotional status as time goes by. I’ve been fortunate to have found some excellent people along the way who have come to my blog and have been very supportive.
I cycle. I know I have some type of depression and was diagnosed over 20 years ago. I’ve been able to put aside many of the unhealthy ways of self medicating but have not continued to use the healthy ones. Its like I forget that I am dealing with depression.
Severe consequences emotionally for not taking care of myself. If you ever been depressed and come out of an episode you know what I mean. When you find yourself in great pain and there are no solutions that look good, healthy or otherwise it is a dismal place to be.
So I blog to remind myself to take care of myself because alcoholism isn’t the only thing I dealing with.
So things move slow when you are only in the studio two hours a week. Things are progressing and the first song is close to finished.
Its good to be back.
And we lose another one.
It just sucks. This disease is a killer. IT destroys families and runs people into the ground.
I feel so fortunate that AA was there for me when I was ready to quit drinking. But for the grace God there go I.
Are they even called albums anymore?
So today was the first day of recording down at M. Moogis Studio. So far so good. Expectations and enthusiasm are both high. Brutal riffs and grooves done old school with just enough new metal influence to keep it relevant.
Why did I ever try to do anything else? I feel like someone took the wet blanket off my life.
It has been 22 years since I was last in the studio with my own material. Why did I wait so long? I am a song writer and a performer. Nothing in life feels so right as when I am doing those two things.
I am not an engineer. Never was, never will be. It generates an income and provides some mental challenge.
To thine own self be true. I am a song writer and performer.
To thine own self be true.
Why is that so hard?
I feel like the person I really am is not happy with the person I’ve become.
It is time to finish the album. Yes, I’ve started recording.
