Disappointment

Ok, so…… since I’m three years old I love guitar and music. It’s my first love. I was consumed with writing songs in my younger days. I played in bands in middle school and high school. I thought I would go to college for music (it never happened). Life goes on. I got sober, finished college (physics degree), married, kids, job, yada yada yada.

I still love music. A few years back I joined a really heavy, metal band and we played some great shows. At the ripe age of 37 I  got tired of being the oldest guy in the club and razzed about being old. So I quit the band because I felt I was too old for this stuff.

Fast forward: move to the other side of the country. I still love music. Now I am 41 and want to play music (seeing a pattern here?). Place an ad on craigslist and get a few hits. Go and jam with band #1: no band, just a drummer who has been playing for about a year and not very well. Band#2: egotistical, controlling musician (no thanks). Band #3: sure, come on over, next week, maybe next week, not this week, next week, etc. etc. etc.

I started out really excited. I finally had weekends off after working them for the last three years. Now I have some time to do music. My first attempts at starting up with some musicians has met with dismal failure. I am not even getting responses anymore. Cue the downward spiral music.

So I am disappointed. I really miss playing in a band. I miss playing shows.

Balance

Where is the balance of keeping yourself open to caring for others and protecting yourself from the people who would attack your kindness?

I keep my anger in check only because I don’t want to be one of  “them”. They make me so mad. The road ragers, the mean co-workers, the evil parents, the old-timers in AA who bash people in meetings, the people at church who turn their nose up at you because you don’t follow all of their rules. Maybe I’m too naive and immature. Maybe this is just the way it is.

Focus

So I have been in bed sick since last Wednesday. I am usually over this stuff by now. It has given me some time to do some thinking. First it started out with worrying and has slowly gravitated to thinking and then even more slowly to prayer. I have slowly moved God out as my daily focus and have decided to focus on my life’s problems instead. Of course the instant repercussion of this is fear. Not a good place to be.

I took a new job almost three years ago because I wanted to be closer to my family (brother and ailing father). I also wanted out of the beautiful state I was living in because I no longer trusted anyone. Not anyone in AA, work or worse yet, friends. I believed my best friend of a different brand of Christianity had ruled me out as doomed because I started going to a Catholic church. I felt that the only safe people left could only be my family. Of course this was a mistake as they have all their own crisis and have little emotional support left for anyone but themselves.

I don’t trust anyone anymore. I got a sponsor and a sponsee when I arrived in my new state only to have one fire me and me fire the other.

The  job is not helping. Or is it. My boss thinks I walk on water and has given me two extremely glowing reviews backed up by lots of cash to go with it. He wants to put me in charge of the group starting in the new year. Me. A manager. Two of the more experienced engineers I work with are openly hostile with me. Have been the whole time I’ve been there. They tell me point blank that I don’t belong there and want me gone. Nice, huh? It would be easier if my boss agreed with them.

I am trying to find my way back into meetings regularly and it’s not really working. There are no more geographical fixes left for me. I know they don’t work.

Once again I find myself in the position of having to rely on and trust in God. I am ready to do things His way only because my way still doesn’t work.

Is being sober worth it?

Yep.

Man! What a trip. Fuck you if you are tired of hearing how good my sober life is. I hear that occasionally at meetings. I share how AA has changed my life and some dickhead will come over and say, “I just can’t relate, you are way too happy”. Which is odd because the whole ASD thing, right(lol)? 

Life is hard for everyone. I think the thing that the years in sobriety have given me is the ability to look back on all the hard times I have been through and see how they have shaped the person I now am. I feel closer to God now than I ever have. I don’t regret the past.

I’ve taken a big step this year in easing up on myself. This disease kills more people than it spares. I’ve been spared and I’ve prospered. I was a drunk that was being kicked out of college. I was going nowhere and I had no one in my life. Today I am a happy, successful father and husband. Sober. I am done beating myself up for not being good enough. I am. It’s like that ridiculous SNL skit, good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it  people like me. You get the idea.

AA is full of people in varying stages of recovery. I get that. Been there, done that and got the coins. They will just have to tolerate me sharing about the promises coming true in my life while I listen to their stories of suffering. I did it too. 

Being sober is totally worth it. It gave me back me. It continues to do so everyday. Everyday life seems a little more amazing even if there are still assholes who piss me off. I’m not perfect.

 

HAL

http://public.research.att.com/~ttsweb/tts/demo.php

So this is one of the cool things about working with software engineers. A guy I work with shows me this link at work and the first thing I think of is THE KIDS WILL LOVE THIS. So I get home and call the kids to the computer and ask them, what do you want the computer to say. Yep, fart and poop were both in there. So this was good for at least 45 minutes of fun with Dad.

Yeah, go ahead and try it. You know you want to.

Not at work

Life is different when I am not at work all the time. I didn’t ask for all these hours.

I took this job because I wanted to move closer to my family (yes, I know my friends warned me). Who knew that work would want to put me in charge. My whole life I’ve felt like a failure, unintelligent and untalented. Somehow this job brought out all the best in me. Even my harshest critics are now big supporters.

Back to my life.

I’ve been through a lot in sobriety. This last three years has been the hardest. My wife who has twenty years sober as well admitted to me the other day she was at one point concerned that I might go out and drink. It never occurred to me. But it was hard. Things are better now the same way things are better after having a valve replaced in your heart. Your heart feels better but having your chest split open takes a while to recover from. And so it is with my self imposed isolation.

I am the angry sober dude. I am angry at everyone and everything. But not so much anymore. I can’t stand feeling so far away from all the people I love, my wife, my children and friends I have driven away. There are a lot of people I miss.

So today was another success. I stopped in mid sentence yelling at my daughter for some minor infraction to give her a hug and swing her around the living room. I bit my tongue and put up the curtains for my wife instead of complaining about not messing with my day off. I went off to jam with a drummer having no expectations of the event, only being open to the possibilities it may bring.

I am critical, I am harsh and quick to anger and I love my family fiercely. It  is still clear to me today, that day almost thirty years ago when I decided that I needed no one. Life at home was violent and scary, I was so angry I hurt one of my friends and everyone was mad at me for it. They refused to be my friend anymore. It was then I decided I would not need anyone anymore. So here I am recovering from the choice of a ten year old boy who had his heart stomped.

It is the last hold out of my sobriety. Today I made a new friend.

BACK TO METAL and meetings

At last. It has been three long years of working lots of overtime. It has finally come to an end. They have hired another person and I can have my weekends and evenings off again. Which is great for me because of all the isms I have workaholism isn’t one of them.

This gives me time for more meetings in my week. More time and energy to socialize after meetings too.

It also gives me time for a…………BAND!!

I have a jam set up for Sunday with a local metal band. Sweet. Its been three years since I moved and left my last band.

I will keep you updated on all the debauchery, mayhem and insanity. I will also let you know how things go with the band too.

A-holes at meetings

I cannot be at all meetings to point out all the a-holes to the new comers. If you are new to AA please, please do not walk out the door when someone with “time” says something stupid. Find another person to talk to after the meeting.

If you have any length of time in the program I highly encourage you to not be a effin A-hole. Get it?

What keeps me sober may get you drunk

My sponsor used to tell me that. He is still sober after 35 years of doing this sobriety thing.

Here are a couple of things I believe about AA:

1. Being able to choose God as I understand Him has been crucial to my relationship with God. Someone pushing their god down my throat would have sent me right out the door.

2. It will keep you sober.

3. It has a single purpose.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for the sober life he has given me. Even when those days suck.

Back from the beach

So I’m back from the Jersey shore. I still love going to the shore. It is a different experience when your the DAD.

Anyway we had a great time. For the most part the weather held out. We did all the typical LBI stuff like collecting shells, running away from jelly fish and of course a trip to Fantasy Island. The food was good and the company was great.

Its good to be home though. The batteries are recharged and I’m ready to get back at it. So what did I miss last week?